“I feel invisible! My kids don’t listen to me, my husband doesn’t listen to me. I’ve told my boss a dozen times about that vendor problem, but still it’s the same thing.”
Sound familiar? As we talked, “Mary” realized that she was feeling invisible because all she was doing was complaining. She hadn’t asked a single person to take an action, or proposed a single solution.
Yelling, complaining, and whining have no constructive purpose. Rarely do they accomplish what you want. And if they do, it’s only in the short run, not real change. So you get stuck in a cycle of yelling, complaining, whining.
There is a better way. Successful, effective communication has concrete behaviors that you can incorporate into your interactions with your spouse, kids, parents, teachers, bosses, hair dressers — anyone!
First, and perhaps the most important of all, successful communication begins with and requires that you get the other person’s full attention. Complaining to your teenager that she needs to rethink the way she’s spending her money while she’s got a rented movie and friends in the other room is guaranteed to be ignored. Yelling at an employee to redo a report as you rush out to a meeting is almost always going to generate hurt feelings.
I know it’s not always easy to find time to talk one-on-one without interruptions, but as the old saying goes, if you don’t have time to do it right the first time, you sure won’t have time to do it again. Make the effort, choose a quiet time - and enough time so that you don’t feel obliged to rush through the conversation - and you’ll only have to have the conversation once. And I’ll bet you’ve also noticed that when you complain and whine, somehow it tends to quickly morph into a black hole and encompass everything you’ve ever thought about that person. The polar opposite of that - actually asking for what you need or want - involves focusing on one thing at a time.
Take some time to think through exactly what you’d like corrected, then stick to it; avoid dragging in other unrelated situations. Instead of telling your teenager that you’re getting weary of her bad attitude lately, indicate an exact time when she created a fuss over something simple or usual. “Nothing has changed since you’re in high school, Suzie, I still expect you to allow time to make up your bed in the morning without excuses or a fuss.” With an employee, instead of saying “Chuck, you never follow-up on anything”, try “Chuck, I want you to work closely with XYZ Vendor until you can get me an exact delivery date on that equipment”.
Successfully asking for what you want without complaining or whining also focuses on things the individual can do something about. Asking or for something that is out of the individual’s control is not useful. It only increases a person’s frustration to be criticized for something they can’t do anything about. Reprimanding your teenager for spending too much time on homework is unfair since she can’t control her teachers’ requests. Expecting your associate to write a business letter the same way you would is impossible since he can’t read your mind.
As earlier examples have illustrated, asking instead of complaining provides someone with a solution, not just hurt feelings. By being willing to give them the support and tools needed to correct the situation, you are much more likely to get the results that you want. Discuss the options, or explain the rules and clearly define the consequences.
After all, the objective of asking instead of complaining is to get you what you want at that particular moment, but also to ultimately help the person grow and not repeat the behavior. In
order to do that, he’ll need to see it as an opportunity to learn, instead of a threat or a meaningless argument. By offering specific examples, you will be able to relate how changing his behavior will help him achieve his goal — and yours as well.
Decide what you want, then ask for it. The rewards will be evident on both sides of the relationship.
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